I am definitely back from Stroud because we are in town and Dad makes me try on 4 million pairs of black school shoes - all the same. Finally he chooses the perfect pair and it turns out you get a free school bag as well.'Excellent,' says Dad, 'now we don't have to buy you a school bag.'
I poke at the bag. 'Think again Father of Mine,' I say. 'I would rather use Mum's handbag.'
'Nothing wrong with it!' snaps Dad. 'Now, what's next on the list...ah, new PE kit.'
Most of my friends get their stuff from Tesco but Dad says that if we do that then local shops will go out of business. So I am forced to be seen dead in Mr Elliott's School Emporium.
'Ah, this takes me back,' says Dad as he pushes open the tinkly door. 'Good old Eggy, I used to come h
ere to buy my school uniform!'I shake my head at this horrifying news. 'I'm sorry, Dad - I didn't know.'
Mr Egghead appears from behind a rack of grey shirts. He has bottlebottom lenses in his face sized glasses and not one single hair on his head. It gleams in the spotlight.
'School? Size? Sex?' he asks.
'Nupton Valance Primary. Nine year old boy,' snaps back Dad.
Mr Egghead laughs a low sniggery laugh. 'I see.' Hahahahahahaha.
I look up at Dad in a questioning sort of way.
Dad coughs. 'We just need a PE kit.'
Mr Egghead stops laughing. He bends low and whips out a tape measure. He flings it around like one of those ribbon gymnasts in the Olympics. Then straightens up.
'We're all out of PE kit in his particular size,' he says. 'In any size,' he adds with a sneer.
'But I can see them over there,' I say, pointing to the shelf marked, PE KIT.
'He's sharp,' says Mr Egghead, 'too sharp - now excuse me I have trousers to rearrange!'
'But,' says Dad. 'But...'
'I suggest you try Tesco. Good day!' And he laughs again. Hahahahahahahahahaha
'I don't remember him laughing quite so much when I was young,' says Dad as we are chucked out of the door.
'I don't think anybody normal laughs quite that much, Dad,' I reply. I am struck with a brilliant idea. 'I left my school bag in his shop - shall we go back and get it?'
'NO!' says Dad, 'you can choose your own - from Tesco.'
The Voltaic backpack uses photo cells to charge itself up and then you can keep going with your mobile, I-pod and night vision goggles as long as you like. You cannot get it from Tesco.
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