Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Here is my Holiday Report

Here is my holiday report:
We went to London, mostly to get away from my Aunt Caroline and The Unspeakable Cousins. My Aunt is madder than a wet cat and that is pretty mad. We are still traumatised from the last visit (more later). For now here is the best bit.

We went to the wondrous Science Museum and I am now stuffed full of important spying knowledge. I still have my plastic security card and it has a magnetic strip and everything. So, now it is true that I am officially a trainee Spymaker agent; even though it says I only have temporary security clearance and my supercomputer rating is untested (not true, I actually scored 82% on my data retrieval from the supercomputer which is a lot better than Dad who scored a rubbish 23% and Mum who was having a coffee in the cafe, so gets -0%). My official spy number is 007, no not really, that was a joke, it is 2237. I am therefore only 2230 plastic security cards away from having a licence to kill people.
My trainee Spymaker agent card says "Carry this Agent ID with you at all times. Never let it out of your sight". This is all very well but I do not have a pocket in my pyjamas and even if I did, I'm not sure I would be able to use it because then my ID card would be out of my sight and who knows what might happen.

Anyway, this is how becoming a spy works:
a. recruitment - practice getting embarrassing information about people at home and school e.g. go through the drawers in Mrs Trundle's office to find exotic hodliday brochures which she will try and pass off as 'edcuational exchange visits'. Then pass this info on to anybody willing to pay for it, e.g Mrs Trundle. That is a good start OR you can check out the MI5 and MI6 websites (which is a bit more boring) -are you cunning and resourceful? Can you spot a liar? Can you rumage around in rubbish and find non-smelly important stuff. If so, you are either dead right for a spy or you are my cat, Serena (that's not right, she likes smelly). - this makes a spy's life easier. Frankly it makes anyone's life easier. Who needs school when you can absorb information through a chip under your skin designed to let you suck up important but boring lessons like, 'The Romans at Homes' or 'The Water Cycle - let's learn!'. Or you could use a micro air vehicle, an insect spy (I knew that one) or leave intelligent water just lying around ready to absorb your enemy's fingerprints or get your face scanned in a facial recognition system so that no door (except ordinary ones with locks and keys) is closed to you. My favourite is the super-powered spy leg and I have to tell you about this in more detail later, so do not run away (ha ha).
d. mission - it's up to you really but here are mine. e.g. find out what Mrs Next-Door is up to with all that concrete; find a way of keeping Aunt Caroline from ever visiting again; solve forever the mysteries of alien crop circles (wait, I think I have done that).

Anyway, the holiday was too short and now it is back to the prison of school and it is vegetable medley tonight.


Susan Abraham said...

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself at the Science museum, Wilf. That sounds like a short happy holiday indeed.
I also like your spy number, 007. You do know that they're already making a new James Bond film? :-)

Jude said...

Yes, the holiday was too short - I fully agree. Seeing as you're a spy fan, why not look in Woolworths; I spotted a diary that you can write in but only read with an infra red torch the other day. I'm getting that for my nephew!!

Richard said...

Wilf, it sounds like you had a very productive trip. What is the secret of crop circles, by the way?

Oh and apropos nothing, I stumbled across this and thought you might be interested in it!

Atyllah said...

The talent you really need for being a first rate spy is impeccable intuition!

Wilf said...

I did not know that, Susan but then Mum did not let me watch 'Casino Royale' because of too many guns and jumping about. It must be quite fun to make a James Bond film.

Wilf said...

Wow, that sounds amazing, Jude. We will have to make a special trip to town, since the village only has a post office that sells bits of china and dog bowls.

Wilf said...

I really like the replica Buzz Aldrin, Richard. I would liketo have two so that one could pretend to be Neil Armstrong and they can have a fight about who is going to be first on the moon. I asked Dad but he said it was too expensive. I will have to tell Dexter to get them, his parents are actually quite reasonable about buying masses of stuff.

Wilf said...

Yes, Atyllah. A real life ex-spy said her best training was being a woman because she could use her female intuition. Frankly I think I prefer using gadgets to being a girl.