Sunday, December 03, 2006

This Means Alien War!

Greater Wenbury Gazette 2nd December 2007
Following on from numerous reports of balls of light, this reporter can exclusively reveal that local boy, Dexter Dooney, aged 9, has made contact with alien life forms. He made this sensational claim at his local school, Greater Wenbury Primary. Fellow pupils looked on in amazement as young Dexter documented the trauma and heroism of his kidnap by, 'weird looking purple blobs'.
Dexter telephoned this reporter to relate the incredible EXCLUSIVE story.

'I was walking home from school and it was dark. I had to walk because the school bus had left without me which is a bit typical. Anyway, I bought a load of sweets from Mr Patel and then walked down the High St. I got to the library and that's when I saw the spaceship. It was like a whirling plate, hovering over the road and then this ramp thing came out of a really big bright light and a purple blob waved at me. I waved back, trying to be friendly but it stuck out an arm and grabbed me. 'Course I punched it like mad but suddenly there were ten of them all blobbing round me. So I said, alright then and I went into the spaceship. They wanted to invade the earth so they tortured me for a bit but I didn't tell them anything so they said, 'you must be really really strong, we will not invade the earth.' They gave me a cup of tea and let me go. I will be talking to them again when I am ready.'

Newly qualified teacher Mr Bagnall, who was teaching the class at the time, refused to comment at first but then said, 'We did go on a trip to the Science Museum recently and I know the boys and girls have been having fun with forming their own alien perhaps this is just a story, a bit of fun...and why not?!' he added.
Dexter's father, local builder, Dave Dooney(35) slammed the school for its unsympathetic attitude. 'If my son says he has been kidnapped by aliens then he has and I for one am fully behind him.' Donna Dooney (34), has kept her son away from school in protest,' it's just plain bullying,' she shouted from the front door of the family home. 'My child needs support, not negative comments! AND I shall want to know about the bus as well!'
Meanwhile the hero of the hour, the saviour of the earth, is keeping a low profile and only giving autographs after tea. His sister, Trixie (14) said, 'he's lying,' before being pulled back into the house.
No further witnesses to this fantastic event could be found. Mrs Batley from Greater Wenbury Library would only reveal that Dexter had four library books outstanding. 'They'll be a hefty fine,' she said, 'even if he did save the world.'
Dexter's friend, Tyler Watson, said he thought the aliens were probably not purple but refused to speculate on the correct colour.

I fling down the copy of the newspaper and trample into the muddy ground. I am OUTRAGED. Dexter told me nothing about this, my so-called best friend. Grandpa Jack pokes his head out from between the tent flaps.
'This means alien war!' I declare.
'Righto,' says Grandpa and he puffs at his stinky pipe. 'Righto.'


Susan Abraham said...

What high comedy but oops, sorry Wilf. I know I should be more compassionate. Especially as we all knew a Dexter-type at school. But this is so funny.
I mean, interesting...hmmm..

"Very hard to pick out favourites - they were good lines in my opinion but this had to be it, I guess:
Meanwhile the hero of the hour, the saviour of the earth, is keeping a low profile and only giving autographs after tea. His sister, Trixie (14) said, 'he's lying,' before being pulled back into the house."

Well...if you look on the bright side Wilf, at least you've got Grandpa on your side and Dexter still has his library fines. tee-hee! oops sorry!

Wilf said...

Laugh, go on everyone else does. I think Dexter is really showing off and needs to be stopped. Thanks for reading my tale of woe, Susan.

Anonymous said...

Trials and tribulations... still grandpa's a mellow chap- he's seen it all before no doubt! It's good to have a calm person around in a crisis!

Wilf said...

Grandpa Jack has seen EVERYTHING - that is what he tells everybody. I expect he has already met dozens of aliens and I bet none of them were purple or even blobby.

Anonymous said...

Grandpa Jack has seen everything?! :O The mind boggles!

Saaleha said...

Sounds like times are becoming even more interesting in your neck of the woods. And I'm sure Dexter is lying through his teeth., You could save the world too, by uncovering what Dexter's plans are. Get cracking Wilf. The world awaits ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm with Trixie on this one, Wilf. The only aliens threatening war with Planet Earth are the Draconians, the Alpha Draconians and their allies - and none of 'em are purple. Besides, no alien would say they were going to invade - they'd just do it. I think Dexter's telling porky pies. You send him to me for a bit or alienating, Granny and I will show him a thing or two.

Wilf said...

Dba, if you say to Grandpa, 'I have seen a large turqoise tortoise, dancing with a gang of orange frogs,' he would have already seen it two years ago and there would have been more of them. He is a bit annoying like that sometimes.

Wilf said...

I think you are right, Atyllah but I am so cross with Dexter right now, I can harldy think straight. He needs a taste of his own medicine.

Wilf said...

Thanks, Saleeha. I am fairly sure I can do a good job of saving the world - better than Dexter anyway.