Wednesday, June 13, 2007

It Is All My Cousins' Fault

So Ok, I will tell you but first I have to let you know that it is all my cousins' fault. See the trouble was, they came round, which was quite weird as well as being a complete disaster because I am told to entertain Skye and Jaspar while the adults go and discuss Something Important. This is a terrible thing because:

a. The adults go and drink coffee and eat very expensive biscuits
b. Skye and Jaspar are fiends in human form
c. I need to look after my stick insects
I am not at all keen to combine b and c. but I would much rather put a and b together and see how they like it.

I cannot do that, so I decide to do the next best thing and that is to take the fiends in human form to be entertained in The Parents bedroom. I show them the wardrobe and the ensweet bathroom but they are not particularly entertained. I then very politely offer them the use of The Parents' bed for bouncing purposes and Jaspar starts to snigger.

'Bet they made it here!' he says and he starts making stupid 'ooh' and 'aah' noises.
'It takes a fraction of a second to do it,' says Skye.
She has adopted the lotus position and her brother begins bouncing and she is flying up whenever her brother comes down.
'What?' I ask.
'He-bounce-doesn't-bounce-know,' says Jaspar.
'bounce-we've-bounce-known-bounce-for two-bounce-whole months,' says Skye.
'Shut up,' I say, a bit disturbed. 'You do not know anything!'
'Au contraire,' says Skye, and she flies off the bed, completing a complicated double turnover in the air. Sadly, she lands on her tiny pink princess feet. 'WE KNOW EVERYTHING.'
'Up to and including how babies are made,' says Jaspar, beating the feathers out of the pillow.
I am relieved. I have known how babies are made since before I was born. The Parents made sure of that.
'I know that,' I say and allow a smug smile to pass my lips.
'Then you'll know how your Mum and Dad made a baby,' says Skye. 'A new one. Newer than you.'
I think I might have screamed and wiped the smug smile off my own face but I cannot remember much apart from feathers flying.


Richard said...

Oh dear Wilf,

Don't panic! Think of the financial advantages in years to come: all that money you can earn by babysitting your little sibling when you get a little older.

Then, remember that it means that you'll get more presents at Christmas and your Birthday!

And finally, when s/he's grown up, persuade him/her to live somewhere terribly exotic (Jamaica, Australia) so you can have cheap holidays!

It'll be alright, I'm sure!

suzanabrams said...

Gosh, Wilf. Look at those gorgeous biscuits. Can I have the pink one, please? :-)

Wilf said...

Are you trying to distract me from the BIG THING, Suzan?

Wilf said...

Hmmm, maybe there will be some good things although I am quite depressed to think about waiting four more years to start earning money out of the Big Thing. I do like the idea of more presents though...
You have to pay for holidays??

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

What a fun piece.... felt like a butterfly on the wall, just listening in to a silly bit of childhood... so fun.

Thank you!

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Wilf said...

Thanks, Scarlett! A.


Hello Wilf,

Have you seen the documentary 'Eraserhead'? It will give you good tips on how to deal with new babies in the family.

Horton Carew

Wilf said...

Hello Horton
Eraserhead? Is that something to do with rubbing things out - sounds a bit educational; maybe The Parents will know, wait a mo, I am not talking to them, so I will ask Dexter. Thankyou.

Khylan said...

Such complicated things beds. Entertaining other kids can be a pain can't it?

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Wilf, we need to talk.

You have to put up a new post. You are very fun to read, and I like re-reading things that I find terribly funny, and this is one of them. But... I've reread it enough.

New stuff... Wilf. Pretty please.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore