Saturday, October 06, 2007

"to rescue or not to rescue?'

So, here I am, with the bacon butty fire on the rage next door and my evil cousin, Jaspar raging in doors and I am thinking quite carefully about the question of,

"to rescue or not to rescue?"

I sit down and ponder the benefits of actually rescuing the evil one:

1. I will be a hero but I will not brag about it, just let it seep out so that one day at school, Dexter will point at a copy of the Stroud News and Journal I have left lying accidentally around and cry, 'Wilf, did you rescue that boy?'
And I will probably blush a bit and do a down-turned grin and say 'yes, it was nothing' in an offhand sort of way, 'let us continue playing conkers and not think about my utter bravery'.
But Dexter will throw down his champion golden nugget conker at my feet and say, 'you are fantastic and everyone in the school will know it!' And he will hurtle round the playground informing the gobsmacked multitudes of my heroism in the face of evil.
Or something like that.

2. Jaspar will be forever and a day grateful and will no longer play tricks on me. I will not have to endure toads in the bed or bogie toast or 'my name is Wilf and I need a home' stickers stuck to my back. In fact, Jaspar will be so grateful he will defend me against my aunt's sniffiness and take me on fossil hunting/apple scrumping/dog teasing trips in illegal back gardens and we will become actual friends and he will let me stay with him when the new baby-child gets a bit on top of me and he will even get to love the lawnmower.

3. MAC will fall upon me and never go near my aura again. MAC is a great one for showing her emotions and so will probably want to instantly make me her new son and change her will and give me a new bike.

Jaspar is still yelling and spluttering but I need to think this through, so I start to ponder the non-benefits of rescuing him:
1. Dexter will not care less.
2. Jaspar will not care less.
3. MAC will care a great deal and not in a good giving-lots-of-things-to-me kind of way

This is quite a knotty problem. However, I sigh and get to my feet. 'KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!' I yell, 'I'M COMING TO RESCUE YOU!'
'WELL, GET A MOVE ON YOU £%^&&&**!' the ungrateful one shouts back.
He is a trial.


Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

You are a sterling lad, Wilf. Truly. I'm not sure I'd have wanted to rescue Jaspar, but I suppose we feel obliged to do the right thing. What a trial, indeed.

Dame Honoria Glossop said...

You should encourage him to jump out of the bedroom window.

Make sure there is something suitable for him to land on (evil-grin-smiley)

Vesper said...

I very much enjoyed reading this, Addy, for your writing, though at the moment I can't make much sense of it. :-) I shall 'dig' further, discover something on your blog, which brings clarity upon it...

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Wilf, I want you to know that I think you are very nice. As such, I have awarded you the "Nice Award" because in rescuing Jaspar you prove yourself to be ever-so, terribly, very nice. Go and pick it up over at my place. ;-)

Wilf said...

THankyou, Atyllah, sometimes I feel really noble, like an old fashioned knight.

Wilf said...

I can think of many things for himto land on, Dame Hon and none of them suitable for a safe or comfortable landing. Heavy sigh.

Wilf said...

Thanks, Vesper!

suzan abrams said...

Oh Wilfy, I have so missed you.
Will be back shortly for the long-haul.
big kiss! (the usual :-) )

Wilf said...

Hello, Suzan! Good to see you again, even the kisses.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Buzz, you are a saint.

Good thinking though, as you'd not have looked quite so heroic if you let the bugger die.

Scarlett & V.