Friday, September 28, 2007

Jaspar Expresses Himself

You may or may not be interested in what happened to my evil cousin, Jaspar. I will tell you anyway.
He had been allowed to stay behind and not go to the stupid fairy exhibition at the Stroud museum. He was allowed to do this because he said he was doing something Expressive of Himself. And since Mad Aunt Caroline is mad keen on children expressing their natural tendencies she thought Jaspar could stay at home and express his.
So here is what happened.
When I ran away from having my aura cleaned, I had no other place to go than back to my cousin's house (before my evil cousins moved in, it was very popular). It is a big old house at the top of a very steep hill and by the time I got back I had stopped running and started sweating. So, there I was sweating along the narrow lane leading to the house when I see smoke whirling its way into the sky. I am always keen on fires so I speed up a bit. I can see smoke pouring out of Mr Pyman's kitchen window. Mr Pyman runs the parish council and does not eat meat for a living. MAC says he is her spiritual twin. I run into somebody large and reflective.
'Look out, son!' says the firefighter. 'Someone's set their bacon butty on fire. You need to clear the area!'
Now I know that those are the type of words you normally only hear on the TV, along with stuff like, "he needs fluids - stat!" or "you've got 24 hours before we throw the book at you!"
So I know it is serious. I clear the area by jumping into the next door neighbour's garden. From here, I can get into MAC's garden, no problemo. I am working my way up through the area of reflection which is the scrubby bit at the bottom of the garden, when I hear a voice. The voice says, 'HELP!' in capital letters but you can only just hear it because of the noise from the bacon butty fire. It is then that I hit the fog. It is thick and grey and makes me cough. Not fog then. More like smoke.
'HELP!!' screeches the voice from above me.
'Who is it?' I shout. And, 'where are you?' Although I have my suspicions.
'It's me, your cousin, Jaspar, you **!"£$&**.' I peer up through the smoke. 'I'm stuck in my @&&**$£@ bedroom! Get me down!'
Jaspar is obviously very good at expressing himself. Question is, should I bother actually rescuing him?


Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Well, so did you? Rescue the evil Jaspar, that is?

Btw, I've done the homework you gave me.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

This is a double edged sword.

1. If you rescue him, you are a hero and he owes you big time. MAC might decide you don't need your aura cleaned then, since you are the hero that saved her wicked son.

2. Jasper will still be around and you will be responsible for that.

Just remember karma... he'll get what he gives, and so will you too, dear Buzz.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

PS - I've got TONS of homework; Vanilla passed hers on to me and Chief Biscuit from the Shameless Lions Circle gave me some too; it was my turn to write an addition to the story we're all working on.
That's all on top of my normal homework from school!

Fluffy said...

Now is the moment to express yourself by drawing some squiggles on a piece of paper to represent how you would rescue Jasper and how your inner baby feels about this.

If anyone complains tell them your aura was too distressed for you to do anything.

Besides, a little bit of fire never hurt anyone, did it?

Dame Honoria Glossop said...

If MAC is so keen on children expressing their natural tendencies, why does she ignore your natural tendencies and make you go places like fairy exhibitions?
Are Jaspar's natural tendencies arson and pyromania?

Wilf said...

Sort of, AV - anyway, he is still alive, worse luck.

Wilf said...

You have far too much homework, Wanderlust; I am amazed you can survive. Yes, rescuing Jaspar is a horrible thought but I manage to have the last (evil) laugh.

Wilf said...

My inner baby is screaming right now, Fluffy.

Wilf said...

The trouble is Dame Honoria, is that MAC thinks some expressions are better than others. The evil cousins are for example, at the tip top of the expressive chart while I am at slug level. I do not like her and something has to be done.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...


Don't poison her tea or anything like that.


What if you convince her to join a mission for her religious cult?

She would be gone for a long time...

Scarlett & Viaggiatore