Sunday, May 11, 2008

I Should Be An Astronaut Before Too Long

It turns out that the European Space Agency need more astronauts. I think I will have a go because frankly, George is starting to get on my nerves. You do not need any actual space experience (phew) but you do need:
  • to be ready for anything (goes without saying)
  • you must like surprises (absolutely anytime)
  • be healthy (no chance of anything else with Mum)
  • you must like science (I'm in, except for, 'the body' because that is quite boring)
The bad thing is you also have to be ancient so I think I will use my Dad's name and see how it goes.

There is one good thing about having George around. To make me feel better about having to put up an annoying baby in the house, The Parents have been round to my friend, Miranda. Her Dad is a show-off wild insect explorer and she has got masses of stick insects which are my favourite pet. Miranda gave The Parents some of the tiny baby ones (about 12 - it is tricky to count them). I say, any number of stick insects are alot less bother than one baby brother but I might just be wrong on this because it turns out they can be quite a lot of bother in actual fact.

Sometime back, my best friend Dexter was trying to help me sort out stick insect poo from stick insect eggs and this is very interesting but quite tricky. We did this delicate work in the spare room but then it went a bit wrong and Dexter had to vacuum up everything - poo and eggs. That was about 6 months ago. The next thing is this:

Mum and George are upstairs in his bedroom (the old spare room), de-smelling him (again). I am minding my own business whittling an arrow out of some old wood, when I hear George start yelling (again) and Mum scream. I drop the breadknife and Dad throws down his copy of 'Smile! You're a Dentist!'
He runs up the stairs, shouting
, 'For goodness' sake - what now!?' Like he is the one always being disturbed.
Then Dad starts screaming.
Then they both stop screaming to bellow, 'WILFRED!'
It is then that the awful feeling comes upon me. A feeling that whatever is happening in the ex-spare bedroom might, not altogether not be my fault. Crazy but true. My brain whirrs at superhuman speed. I put the spare room, Dexter's sloppy vacuuming and a six month incubation period for stick insect eggs all together in a fantastic micro milli-second. Based on the available evidence, I come to a conclusion and it is not pretty. On the plus side, I have dealt with the surprise of The Parents finding hoardes of ravenous stick insects in the baby's bedroom in a scientific way and therefore I should be an astronaut before too long.
'WILFRED!! UP HERE NOW!'
Just as well. I go to face my doom.

6 comments:

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

Wilf, it worries me that the Parents have utterly no sense of humour. I would have thought they'd be delighted to have all those stick insects around - just think,they might keep George amused for hours - and if you're really lucky, they might him. Do stick insects eat babies? Can they be trained to, if necessary?
And if none of the above is applicable, then I suggest you get on that space programme really fast!

Dame Honoria Glossop said...

There's another plus. You now have a whole lot more stick insects than you thought you had.

What are the crumblies freaked about? I mean, it's not like sticks carry diseases or bite babies, is it?

Lily said...

You'd think parents as retro as your's (my grandad was called Wilf and he fought in the first world war; well I say fought, I've seen pictures of him lounging around a campsite d in jodhpurs with his sleeves rolled up enjoying a fag with his mates - probably spent all day polishing the cavalry horses and never saw a gattling gun) would appreciate your having a scientific hobby instead of spending all day glued to Pinching Cars and Shooting Stuff VII or some such.

Wilf said...

I think their sense of humour has been stressed out of them by the baby, Atyllah. This is a shame because they used to provide a lot of entertainment. You are right, the sticks can be trained but only a few jumping tricks and they will not eat babies because they are vegetarians which is a shame. I have decided to let George keep some sticks in his bedroom and maybe we will then have something interesting to talk about when he decides to speak properly.

Wilf said...

Absolutely, Dame Hon, I am really really losing patience with The Parents. I try not to get annoyed with them to often because they have taken to crying whenever they feel like it and this is just a bit tiring for me. However, sticks have feelings too and I have to defend them.

Wilf said...

Hello Lily. Yes, I agree, The Parents do not know how lucky they are but of course you cannot tell them that. I am sorry that your Grandad was called Wilf but that was then and this is now and I am stuck with a name belonging to people's grandads. Grim.