Sunday, September 07, 2008

This Is Not The Right Experiment For World Domination

Dexter called round and said we have to go and play football NOW because the end of the world is on Wednesday.
'You're talking gibberish rubbish again, Dexter,' I tell him.
I have decided to be extra clear about what I mean with Dexter - he is a bit thick at times. He kicks at his football and knocks over a pot plant.
'Well if you're not going to play then I'll have to ask Tyler because this is pretty much the last chance before we all get sucked into a black hole. Would've thought you'd heard about it, he says. 'My dad says they should close the school but I bet Mrs Trundle keeps it open and we'll all be doing a spelling test as we die.' He pulls an imaginary cord round his neck and lolls his tongue out.
'Yeah I know that,' I say, even though I did not because nobody can even hear the radio or TV withmy baby brother, George bellowing all the time; so I am spending more and more time with my earmuffs on talking to the sticks in my room. Even now, George is cranking himself up for a big yell upstairs. 'Yeah, should be good.'
'I wish we did science like that,' says Dexter, pushing the pieces of broken pot onto the gravel. 'A giant colliding thing would be ace.'
'A what?'
Dad pops his head up from the cellar stairs. He is polishing Lord Baden Powell's molar which he got for a present from Grandpa Jack.
'Large Hadron Collider,' he says to me, 'Thought you'd know about that.'
'I did,' I lie suavely or at least I soon will ...

So here it is:

THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER

is not small even though it is dealing with the most tiny piece of the universe - a part of an atom called a hadron. The LHC is 26 miles of underground between France and Switzerland and has taken 10 years to build by 20 different countries.
It looks like a world domination experiment done by someone called, Dr Mad. When one of Dr Mad's evil assistants presses the big red button all the hadrons will hurl themselves from both ends of the tunnel, colliding. This will make the teeniest explosion ever in the tiniest amount of time. Dr Mad thinks he will have unleashed human eating monsters from a parallel universe which only he can stop - for a price.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

BUT in actual fact when he has stopped laughing he will find out what happened a trillionth of a second after the universe was created 13.7 billion years ago OR

We will all be sucked into a black hole. It could go either way.

The main things to know will be:

a. about new and interesting particles in the universe
b. dark matter - what it is and why it matters
c. this is not the right experiment for world dominationI better go and play football, to be on the safe side.




10 comments:

Jon M said...

I hope Dr Mad finds out what he needs to...dark matter...that's the stuff that has no mass but exerts a gravitational force but things can go through it and such? Good job we don't believe in magic any more!

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

You know, I always wonder just how much brain scientists have. They love playing God and have utterly no idea what the consequences might be. Can I come and play footie with you and Dexter - it may be my first and last time!

Sue Hyams said...

You know what, Wilf? I reckon you'd better stay home on Wednesday, just in case. I think the Hadron Collidor is a very silly and very scary thing indeed. I intend to spend the day under the kitchen table.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Well, Wilf, if Dr. Mad *does* succeed in world domination, I have every faith that you will invent something to set it all straight again.

Best to go down in that hole under the stairs that you dug, until the whole thing is over, in case anything really does come of it.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Lily said...

Hah! No black holes here! Wouldn't it be great though, if we could make very small black holes just where we wanted to suck into oblivion, for example, a Zimbabwean despot or a toxic dump or my sneaky tree-poisoning next door neighbour.

Wilf said...

Hello Jon M, yes, you are correct. The parents believe in the 'magic of christmas'which is actually quite annoying.

Wilf said...

Hello, AV. I think scientists are in general very brainy. Lots of astronauts are scientists and do loads of experiments in space which is the best place to do experiments.
Do you like football? I like rugby better; I play half back.

Wilf said...

Hurray, Sue - we are all still alive.

Wilf said...

Thanks, S and V. My hole under the stairs was filled in by Dad because GEORGE might have grazed his knee in there or something.

Wilf said...

A small black hole generator would be a very good weapon, Lily. My baby brother, George is one of those but I have no control over him.