DON'T. That's All. Just DON'T.

After we got home from the police station and a BIG WARNING that next time Mum would be slapped with an ASBO before she could say "Parent Governor", I find this on the hall floor.



Dear Mrs Marshall

My people have heard that you intend to stand for Parent Governor at Nupton Valance Primary. DON'T. That's all. Just DON'T.

Yours Sincerely

A Well Wisher


'"DON'T"!' Mum is screeching and her hair is flying about. 'That Dave Dooley can't stop me standing for School Governor!'
'I don't think it is Mr Dooley,' I say.
Recently, I have been watching elderly programmes on freeview. One of them is called 'The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes' and it is absolutely the best detective stuff without cars, I have seen. Sherlock has a sidekick called Dr Watson and even though he is a doctor, he is a bit stupid. Sherlock solves everything, uses disguises, jumps about a lot and even has an arch enemy called Professor Moriaty.
'Why not? Why not?' shouts Mum.
'Elementary,' I say and stroke my chin for good measure. 'Look at the spelling, it's all correct - isn't it?' I am mostly guessing at this one but Mum nods. 'And see the paper,' I hold it up to the rubbish energy saving half watt bulb. 'It's the really good printing paper from Tesco and ...' I wave it about for effect, ' ... it does not smell of aftershave.'
'What's going on?' Dad comes up from the cellar, holding a set of false teeth. 'Why're you so late, Dorothy? You know Wilfred has school tomorrow.'
Mum turns to me and flares red like a warning light. I ignore her because she has to learn.
'Mum attacked Mr Dooley with a bin bag of sweets and got arrested.' I shrug. 'It was fun.'
'I see,' says Dad and he is mashing the gnashers together in his hand. 'Bed, Wilfred. I have to discuss something with your mother.'
Hmmm, I do not have to be Sherlock Holmes to guess what that is about.