Sunday, October 22, 2006

Come and Join us for Tea

It is always a bit odd going to play at someone's house for the first time. You know that person from school and they seem OK when you are with them in the playground. But it can go funny when people are in their own rooms. They can turn in to the world's biggest selfish person and show you their toys but not let you touch them or just sit on the gameboy all day while you go off and play with a football on your own or their Mum takes over and makes you Play Properly (see left). On the other hand I once had Tyson over to play and he didn't show up - turns out he saw someone more interesting down the road and his mum took him to play with them. He didn't even know them. He said he'd forgotten my address. Hmmm.

Anyway when I got home there is a man standing in the sitting room as though he owns it. He has one beefy hand on the mantlepiece and the other sausagey fingers are waggling about in the air as he spouts on about beetles. He has dark floppy hair and a face which juts out at you. On the end of his chin is a beard so small and pointy you wonder why he bothers. And I know him from somwhere, I just cannot remember where. The Parents are both sitting down, nodding their heads as though he is actually interesting to them. Mum is also grinning in a soppy way and Dad is stroking his bushy crumbcrusty beard.
He finally sees me and says, 'Wilfred, this is Dr Morten. He has come over to ask you something...'
Pointy beard chortles and says, 'Oh, call me Chas, please!' Mum giggles.
That's it! Chas Morten, the Bug Man off the TV! Mum LOVES him. I think he is rubbish. The man who tracks dangerous predators is much better. Chas puts a hand through his hair.
'Good to meet you, Wilfred. Miranda has told me all about you!'
'HELLO WILF,' Miranda calls from somewhere in the house, could be down the road with her voice. Right now it feels like an invasion.
'Miranda makes friends so easily,' says Chas as she strolls into the room and stands beside him, 'comes from having such a cosmopolitan upbringing I suppose. We've travelled all over the world with my job.'
'And your wife?' asks Mum, smiling, 'are we going to meet her?'
He tuts. 'Malaria - again.' It's her own fault, forgot to take the tablets. Still she manages.'
Mum stops smiling and gulps. 'Has she seen the doctor?'
'Oh, we saw a doctor a couple of years ago when she caught yellow fever down the Zambezi.'
'No, Daddy,' pipes up Miranda, 'that was lassa fever and it was a year ago; she lost an arm after a pirahna attack two years ago!'
And they both laugh at their silly mistake. Dad pulls at his beard and some hair comes out.
'Then there's the food poisoning on top of the malaria, daddy.' Miranda makes a serious face. 'The doctor said you're not allowed to keep those fungus eating woodlice in the kitchen...'
'Can't eat them anymore either, I suppose,' says Chas and he sighs.
They both sigh. The Parents look at one another.
'When are you off bug hunting again?' asks Dad. 'Soon?'
'No!' says Chas, 'I'm on weevil watch!' As though that explains anything.
'Right,' says Dad.
'Weevils!' laughs Chas, 'Don't you just love them?'
'Especially on toast,' nods Miranda.
'I'll say! Anyway,' says Chas, 'maybe young Wilfred like to come and join us for tea? Can't eat the weevils though - sorry.'
I have never seen my Mum's eyes wider. 'Aren't you playing football with, Dexter?'
'I think Dexter is coming over here, Wilf,' Dad is nodding fiercely at me.
That does it. 'If he's coming, I'm going,' I say.


16 comments:

Atyllah said...

Sounds like Miranda's family should have Granny Were over for tea. She loves weevils on toast - assuming of course that the toast is made from organic cornbread. She's a bit partial to chocolate ants too. Sweet and with lots of bite. Have you ever tried chocolate ants, Wilf? Bit like having chilli wrapped in chocolate.

Jude said...

Oh Wilf,it can't be all bad. I'm sure you'll start to become more sociable soon :-)

Wilf said...

Never tried chocolate ants, Atyllah and I don't want to. I WOULD quite like to have Granny Were over for tea, though she would have to put up with beans on toast or fishfingers maybe.

Wilf said...

My Mum says that, Jude! I just don't understand it, I like everybody mostly except when I don't and that is usually because they don't try and understand what I am on about.
I am going to try and like Miranda and that will be difficult.

Brandon said...

Wilf, sorry to hear that you and Dexter aren't friends anymore. It is good that you are trying to like Miranda. It does seem that there are lots of interesting people about though. Say, do you do Halloween stuff at your house?

Wilf said...

Yes,Brandon but I am not allowed to go anywhere by myself of course. I am trailed by Mum who dresses up in a sheet and dad who never has to dress up to scare anyone. We collect Dexter and then go home and tell ghost stories until bedtime and then we go to sleep with all the lights on because you never know when you'll need the loo.

Khylan said...

fungus eating woodlice in the kitchen..eeewwww! Yuck - yuck, and double yuck. I don't know what a weevil is, but sounds yucketee-yuck too. lol.

What a weird family Miranda has.
Poor Wilf.

Susan Abraham said...

Hello Wilf,

Sounds like a big happy family at the moment. Perhaps if you remember all the good things your mum taught you, the day will pass by quickly and you won't even know Dexter is there. Maybe it's a good time to become friends again.
And fancy, Miranda knowing about Africa. Don't you think that's clever?

love

Saaleha said...

Sounds like you're up for a very eventful visit. You must report back and tell us whether they gave you cockroach cakes and beetle bonbons for tea.

Wilf said...

Weird is right, Khylan!

Wilf said...

Hello, Susan
I am going through a difficult time with friends I think. Mum says just because I am an only child I cannot go around all the time acting like one. Hmmm.

Wilf said...

Dear Saleeha
I bet I know that she doesn't have baked beans and fishfingers.

Atyllah said...

Granny says she'd love to come for tea, Wilf but can you just make sure that the toast is made from organic corn bread - oh, and can she have extra beans.

I should warn you though that if you do offer her extra beans, you might want to get her to leave quite early...

Wilf said...

Organic is a big thing in our house, Atyllah, so no problem with Granny and corn bread, in fact the weirder the bread the better - Mum's quite fond of spelt bread like the Romans had. It is revolting. Mum does not like baked beans because she says they have too much sugar in them, for me this is a reason for eating them.
Mum says can Granny avoid coming near a full moon.

Kristin said...

Wilf, you sound really cool, I wish we could be friends. I like astronauts to. My favorite Explorer of Space is Yuri Gagarin.

Wilf said...

Hello, Kristin. Yes Yuri Gagarin is a hero as well but his name is not quite as cool as Buzz. Thanks for reading my blog.