Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I Know a Dog Called Alan


If I ever get a dog it will not be so titchy you can plop it in a waterbowl or so big you need an entire beach just so's it can turn its head. And it will not be called ALAN. It will be called Dave.


So now I am having to go round the school being called Alan and although I have an Uncle Alan and I know a dog called Alan, I do not want to be called, Alan. It is somehow even less exciting than Wilfred.
Outside the classroom, Dexter says, 'Why d'you make me get all these stupid badges? You can keep them, I'm off to the loo.'
And he dumps the bulging Spar bag full of useless Alan badges on me and runs off before I can punch him. I have to get into class pretty sharpish because we are having a big spelling test and I haven't written all of the words on my arm yet but then Mr Bagnall, the new teacher, saunters past me in the corridor; this time without baby-children attached to his legs.
'Oh, badges! Let me see!' He picks one out of the bulging Spar bag, '"The Alen Club,"' he reads. 'I see.' He doesn't of course but he does not want to ask what it means because that would be insulting to me. I tell him
'It's meant to be The Alien Club,' I say, 'but there's a letter missing and nobody will join only Oliver-James and he joins everything.'
Mr Bagnall nods wisely and pushes his multi-coloured glasses up his beaky nose. 'I'll join,' he says and pins a badge on the middle of his tie with all the smiley faces on it. 'In fact I'll pass them round the staff room and who knows by lunchtime you could have a whole gang of us in your club!'
I am open-mouthed with horror. Me, Oliver-James and a big bunch of teachers - what kind of a club is that?!
He puts up a hand and shakes his long hair. 'No, don't thank me, I'm here to help you, William.'
He takes the bag from my nerveless fingers and leaves. I go into the classroom and get 3 out 12 in my spelling test - not bad considering.

The horror of The Alan Club teachers

10 comments:

Khylan said...

LOL! How awful that the Alan's club becomes a teacher's club. Oh poor Wilf.

Susan Abraham said...

What interesting names your teachers have.
Good luck with the spelling Alan...or I mean, Wilf...or Alan...or should I say, Miranda...oops!

Alan Alanson said...

The Alan Club!
That's an excellent name for a club.
Can we wear cardigans and anoraks as a club uniform. I am also very keen on train spotting which I think could be much more interesting than anything to do with space, which could be dangerous.

Famous Alans include Alan Turing who did a lot of coade breaking during the Second World War. So we are not all boring!

Wilf said...

I know, it is grim. Why do adults always think they can take over?

Wilf said...

Sigh - I wish I was called Buzz, Susan.

Wilf said...

Dear Alan Alanson
I think you should be president ofthe club and you should speak to Mr Bagnall who wears a baggy cardigan at all times and thinks that crossing the raod is a dangerous sport.
I will check out Alan Turing, he does not sound like an Alan at all.

Atyllah said...

Oh no, poor Wilf! Don't you just hate it when teachers try to be helpful!
Argh!

jason evans said...

Pretty funny, Wilf! :D Yeah, a teachers' club would be the kiss of death.

Wilf said...

The young ones are the worst, Atyllah, they just have no idea...

Wilf said...

Thanks, Jason. I do not know why my life is full of people called Alan or who should be called Alan but it is. I heard someone called Cyril talking on the radio the other day and that started me thinking, I can tell you.