Monday, November 13, 2006

Grandpa Jack's Crop Circle Needs Probing

A word about crop circles. Granpa Jack believes that crop circles are created by aliens and he is not alone in thinking this. You see what happens, according to Granpa Jack, is that the aliens come down in their spaceships and make interesting patterns in the nearest farmer's field. Nobody knows what the patterns mean. Maybe:

- 'Greetings, we come in peace' or
- 'Don't bother with this planet - they can't understand the interesting patterns we make in their fields' or
- 'zxxxihg435000q!!!

There are some really big patterns with loads of detail and actually the crop circles have become less like plain circles and more like some weird painting by Escher. It is like the aliens are trying to outdo one another in their crop circleness.
It strikes me that it would be easier if aliens used another way to talk to human beings, especially as making a crop circle can only be done when there is an actual crop; so communicating with the human race has to be done for about three weeks a year. It sounds a bit limiting. It is also probably a bit annoying to the farmer that half of his crop has gone into make a pretty pattern and he cannot actually sue the aliens can he?

So, Granpa Jack's crop circle needs probing. The next day I walk with him to the farmer's field.
'I am convinced of the existence of ailens, Wilfred,' says Grandpa Jack and he puffs at his pipe very fast. 'Crop circles, BOLS...'
'BOLS?' I ask.
'Balls Of Light, my boy, been seen since before time began.'
'Was there a time before time?' I ponder. 'Was that the dinosaurs or the stone age?'
'Never mind that! Your friend, Dexter has seen these phenomena - he's in the local newspaper!'
I am stunned. He never told me. 'What?! Dexter is in the newspaper? With BOLS?!'
'BOLS,' nods Grandpa Jack. He prods me with his walking stick. 'This is our big chance, young Wilfred. Soon we'll be able to call the local rag with the latest evidence of aliens amongst us.' I am not listening much because I am still trying not to think about Dexter and his phenomena. We finally stop in the middle of a grass field.
'Behold!' cries Grandpa Jack and he sweeps his stick around him.
I look. We are standing inside a flat grass circle. 'Are you sure this wasn't just the farmer turning his tractor round or something?' I ask. I actually think this is a rubbish crop circle.
'We must make camp!' says Grandpa Jack. 'Keep watch for the visitors and welcome them to our world!' He drags a bin liner out of his pocket and sits down on it. 'Got any whisky, Wilfred?'


Susan Abraham said...

Hi Wilf,
I am as shocked as you.
How did Dexter get to be in the newspaper and he kept this a secret from you? Aren't you one of his best friends.
Is your heart beating very fast?
Sympathies all round.

Anonymous said...

I believe crop circles are made by an alien lifeform addicted to Weetabix and Jolly Green Giant Sweetcorn. It's kind of like an alien ram-raiding you see, an extra-terrestrial form of anti social behaviour, except with space helmets rather than hoodies. Just the other day a farmer tried to video this mindless and petty crime, but found himself being abducted and probed. The police were unable to attend for a number of hours as there were far too busy changing the AA batteries in the speed cameras around town!

Wilf said...

I am OUTRAGED, Susan. There is nothing for it but to find some aliens of my own!

Wilf said...

Tee-hee, dba. I am beginning to think that these crop circles are the work of actual HUMAN BEINGS which is not quite as exciting as alien yobbos.

Atyllah said...

Nah, us aliens don't make crop circles - that is soooo primitive. Must be some other species - maybe invader circling ants. Or a hot hole burnt by the sun. Or a rampaging tractor... Trust me, aliens are far more direct in their approach. I should know...

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Grandpa Jack's crop circle was made by Alans.

Wilf said...

Yey! The chicken is back! I wonder if there are any shy aliens? 'Ooo, I don't know if we should stay, they might not like us,'or'let's just watch for a bit before we destroy them' sort of thing.

Wilf said...

Anon, I think you could have something there - Grandpa Jack's crop circle is NOT very interesting.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, could be Draconians you're thinking about there, Wilf. But then again, Draconians wouldn't know how to spell subtle even if it snuck up from behind and bit them on the bum. And crop circles, although not subtle are just too pretty for Draconians. Maybe its a new species of alien that even I don't know about...

Wilf said...

A new species of alien? Dexter will be even more unbearable. Not just an ordinary alien, oh no it has to be an extraordinary extraterrestrial. Hmmm

Saaleha said...

So did you have a drink for Grandpa? Maybe Grandpa made the circle with a sickle.

Wilf said...

I did not have a drink on me and I cannot think why Grandpa Jack did not either. He normally carries a hip flask filled with whisky just in case he is taken ill.