Sunday, November 12, 2006

This is Starting to get a Bit Odd


A brief word about dunking biscuits. You may or may not have strong views about which biscuit is the best biscuit for dunking purposes. I like digestives, Dexter likes ginger nuts and that says quite a lot, I think.

When I get home from school Mum is sitting in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea. She pours me a mug and I take two digestives for double dunking. Mum always asks the same questions.
'How was school?'
And I always give the same answers.
'Fine,' I say, dipping my digestives into the tea, unless you count being called, 'Alan' every two minutes. I suck the biscuit.
'Anything interesting happen?' she asks.
'No,' I mumble, unless you count your ex-best friend claiming to be kidnapped by aliens.
'Good,' she says and gets up. 'It's vegetable medley tonight - got to use up the veg box.' She rummages through the dark spotty remains of the organic carrots and cabbage. Yuk. I take three more biscuits very quickly.Then she pulls out a manky piece of celery and that reminds me.
'Mum, do you like stick insects for example?'
'No,' she says, then adds, 'but Grandpa Jack is outside with his stinky pipe.'
I pocket the illegal biscuits and run out of the back door and into the mysterious world of the garden. One time, we lost our neighbour in here. She went in searching for cats but Dad found her again and put her back in her own garden before she starved to death.
'Grandpa!' I call into the dark trees and bushes.
'I'm here!' comes a voice.
I peer into the gloom and see a faint curl of blue smoke rise up near where Dad's shed is. Luckily I know the path and I plunge into the head-high undergrowth and push my way through to the shack . One of Grandpa's hands is outside the window, holding his smoking pipe. The rest of Grandpa is inside perched on the rusty lawnmower. I lean against a stack of old flowerpots.
'Your mother won't let me smoke in doors,' he says. He pulls at his beard and looks around the tiny space. 'You weren't followed, my boy?' he asks.
I shake my head.
'Because what I have to say is top secret.'
'OK,' I say.
'We are not alone,' he says and nods his head. In his excitement he begins to smoke his pipe inside the shed.
'There's no-one else around, Grandpa, I say - I told you, I wasn't followed.'
'You don't understand, young fella,' he coughs and I can hardly see him now because of the dark and the smoke. 'I've seen it!'
'What?'
'On my way back from the pub, my boy, I took a short cut through Fiddler's Field,' he waves his pipe in the air, 'and I saw it with my own two eyes... a crop circle!'
He said it like I should understand what he was on about. I try and look keenly intelligent.
'Don't look so dim, Wilfred! What are they teaching you in school these days! A crop circle, a perfect pattern created in the long grass!'
I nod wisely.
He tuts. 'Created by inhuman hands!'
Eh?
'Evidence of an alien invasion!!'
Now that I understand. This is starting to get a bit odd. First Dexter, now Grandpa Jack; it is time to go indoors and face the vegetable medley.

10 comments:

Susan Abraham said...

(I left a comment earlier but it looks like it got wiped off, so I'm going to try again.)

Hi Wilf,
Oh, that word 'organic' again.
But I'm like Dexter. I just love, love, love ginger biscuits!
Do you think your mum would be kind enough to whip out a plate if I come to tea, Wilf?

By the way, my last memory of crop circles was from a gory scene in Midsomer Murders, shown over the telly. But you don't want to know. Just in case you get nightmares, and then your mum won't serve me ginger biscuits no more.
take care, wilf.

Wilf said...

You can absolutely have a whole plate of ginger nuts to yourself, Susan. And by the way, I do not scare easily but you are right - Mum thinks I do.

Anonymous said...

It's gotta be a choccie digestive for dunking, surely? :)

Wilf said...

Choccie digestives - hmmm. All the benefits of digestives PLUS chocolate, I like it.

Claire Jones said...

Didn't Peter Kay once say that the Hobnob is THE biscuit for dunking in tea?

He does a great sketch about the wimpy digestive vs the rugged, tough Hobnob!

Doesn't matter how many times you dunk a Hobnob - it's biscuit enough to do the job and not fall in your tea!

Godmother in Kuala Lumpur...
Soon to return for good!;-)

Wilf said...

I can see I have stirred some strong biscuity feelings. In my dunking experience I have discovered Hob Nobs to be NOT AS GOOD as digestives - they suck up too much liquid, too quickly.
See you soon,GM.

Khylan said...

Brief word about dunking biscuits - lol. Funny. You know what the scary thing is? I like to use ginger nuts as dunkers too!!

Wilf said...

Thanks, Kyhlan. You are a ginger nut as well, eh? Hmmm.

Anonymous said...

It's been a little silent here for a while...you shouldn't have made fun of crop circles now should you?! Once they release you I expect a full recount of you alien abduction experience!

Wilf said...

I will be probing, Dexter for the full gory story, dba, but I think the newspaper has got to him first. He is so annoying.