Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Phase 2 - The Grand Plan for Dreadful Revenge



Some sensible people might know that it is National Science and Engineering week, all week. They are doing quite interesting experiments and asking us to vote for their favourite. Mine is of course - 'THIS IS ROCKET SCIENCE!'


So, I have to go home first and collect the necessaries for the completion of Phase 2 of the Grand Plan for Dreadful Revenge - evil cackle. Dexter trails behind as we go into the kitchen.
'Is your Mum around?' he asks, looking around as though she might spring out from behind the fridge and force him to eat some of her vegetable medley.
I shrug. 'Somewhere. Why?'
'Nothing,' he says. 'Just wondered.'
I concentrate on emptying the cupboard in order to get at the top secret revenge stash. Serena, the cat, meanders over and miaows like this, "meeeoooow!"
'That means she wants something to eat,' I tell Dexter, 'you had better feed her before she turns nasty.' I point at the catfood cupboard. 'There is cat food somewhere about.'
Dexter rootles around while I put the secret stash into my two zippy inside coat pockets. By the time we have both finished there is a fair amount of stuff we do not need spread about the floor and Serena is tucking into a plate of baked beans and organic plum tomatos.
'Let's go!' I say.
Dexter's eyes are huge and he is gibbering.
'WHAT IS ALL THIS MESS?' Mum is standing in the doorway, looking like a scary creature form the crypt. 'I JUST CAN'T STAND IT!'
Then she bursts into tears.
Very, VERY odd. I look sideways at Dexter to confirm the oddness of Mum but of course, he has scarpered.

'So, did you like your stick babies, Wilf?' asks Miranda over the fishfingers. She is smirking. 'Did they behave themselves?'
I glance at Dexter. This has been a tough assignment so far. Getting the target to take the bait in the playground; avoiding torture by The Trundle and then dealing with the Oddness of Mum. I am going to play her like Bond plays blackjack -coolly.
'I did not realise they would be so small, like cress seeds,' I say, flicking my food in a suave sort of way. I lean forward and stab a fishfinger. 'You know,' I say, 'The Parents nearly ate them.' Miranda pulls a face. 'Tiny baby sticks gone in one mouthful.' She frowns. I can see she is disturbed.'You could have made my parents kill them - like this.' I swallow the fishfinger whole which is quite impressive. Then I choke and sick some of it back up. Chas, Miranda's Dad comes in with his stupid beard, just at that moment.
After Chas has told me that being sick is actually the way some animals feed and actually he is thinking of writing a paper on it and maybe he could start with me (ha-ha, not funny), and then finally goes; I give Dexter the secret sign (I can't tell you what it is obviously).
He ignores me until I smoothly get up and jog his elbow, giving him a LOOK at the same time.
'Oh right,' says Dexter. 'Can I see your sticks? Looking at Wilf's cress seeds is a bit boring. They don't do much.'
So we go upstairs to Mirnanda's mini-Amazon-rainforest-bedroom and this is where Phase 3 kicks in and things start to get a little bit interesting.
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA and HA.

13 comments:

Susan Abraham said...

What did all that Ha-Ha mean, Wilf? This was definitely a most enjoyable read. I do enjoy your moments with your best friends Dexter, Miranda & the odd stick insect. tee-hee!
btw, do let us know when you find out why your mum cried. I'm pretty much concerned now.

Wilf said...

Ha-ha was my evil laugh, Susan; a sort of, 'just wait until she finds out about My Grand Plan for Dreadful Revenge! Ha-ha-ha etc'
I do not know why Mum is behaving so oddly at the moment. Dad says it is her hormones.

Susan Abraham said...

So I Seeeeee.........
(to the hormones bit. :-) )
Now I'll recognise your evil laugh when I hear it and forget that maybe it belonged to a giant in the sky.

Richard said...

Great post, Wilf! I almost want to make a crisp-tube rocket. Though I'm not sure where I'd get a bladder from that's not attached to someone.

Also, did Serena like the tomatoes?

Wilf said...

That is dsgusting, Richard, about the bladder, I mean.
Serena ate the toamtoes pretty quickly so she must have liked them, until they came back up almost as quickly and Dad thought she was bleeding to death.

Atyllah said...

Wilf... have you been practicing evil cackling with Granny Were?

Anita Marion Loughrey said...

Great evil laugh Wilf.

You are definitely on the road to becoming a Super Villain. But, remember... the Dark Side is not all it is cracked up to be.

Wilf said...

Granny Were is the top grand mistress of evil laughing and I can only hope to laugh in her evil shadow, Atyllah.

Wilf said...

I think I am actually on the light side against Miranda's dark side, Anita but I just get a bit carried away with the whole giving out justice thing. And laugh.

Saaleha said...

Oooh, Wilf, you left me hanging. No fair. I really want to know what you have in store for Miranda. From the sound of it, must be something really good.

Wilf said...

I hope you like it, Saleeha...HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA etc

HORTON CAREW said...

Caution young Wilf - the evil laugh is but the first step in a life of arch villainy. A youngling like yourself should not dabble with the accoutrements of wickedness - they are all too difficult to give up. I know what I am talking about here.

'Ha-ha' is only one step away from "Bwah-hah-hah-haaaa!" Watch yourself.

Wilf said...

Thanks, Horton. I believe I may give up being evil when Miranda gives being an actual pain.