Sunday, June 29, 2008

A Few Non Lethal Weapons

Aunt Harpy is staying in a secret location somewhere nearby. She will not tell Mum where it is, just in case MI5 come and find her for interrogating purposes. This is mad and also slightly annoying as we do not know when she will turn up and cannot prepare ourselves for a visit by being out.

Anyway, Dexter came round to show me his tennis racquet. His Dad bought it off e-bay and it used to belong to five times Wimbledon champion, Bjorn Borg. So it is a bit worn out. We go into the back garden and I get out Mum's old bat from her shed but we cannot find a ball. This is a problem, so we look for other things to hit. We find cat poo, a mouldy apple and a dead baby bird. The cat poo shatters into cat poo rain and the mouldy apple does not even make it to the racquet. The dead bird bounces the best but soon falls apart. So we then have to fight each other with fallen branches until Dexter gashes his arm on the end of my stick and breaks it. We stop and ponder our rubbish weapons and think about ones that do not produce so much blood.

Here are a few:

1. Fast setting glue. This could be like the stuff Spiderman uses and shoots out of his hands.

Instant banana peel. This is where you make the road so slippery nothing can stay upright. There might be a few problems trying to get people off the super-slippery roads though. They would probably be all over the place trying to escape. You might have to use something like...

. Instant stiffening powder to cut down on flailing. Then you could use a giant shovel pusher and shove them into custody. Once everyone had stopped laughing.

. Knock out gas or dart. Trials of these were carried out at Porton Down. They used a drug called 'apomorphine'. Something must have gone a bit wrong because they stopped the trials saying there was, 'an unacceptably high risk of death'. This is not good if you are just trying to stop a bingo night getting out of hand or somesuch.

. Capture nets. These could explode into the air in thin coils of wire covered in glue. Then they land on people and hold them down.

All of these are actual ideas from actual scientists being paid money. I think you could use modified stick insects to crowd control people. You load their legs with glue and shoot them at people. They scream and flail but the stick insects stick to their heads or wherever. And if this is not enough then the stick could inject a dose of knockout gloop from its mouth parts.

I do not expect anyone will ask me but if the PM telephones me again at least I will have something good to tell him.


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Lily said...

Do you know where I could get hold of that instant stiffening powder that cuts down on failing? Sounds jolly useful, especially as Mr Lily is on holiday this week.

Wilf said...

YOu could try Porton Down, Mrs LIly. I agree - it sounds fantastically useful.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Or... you could tell Aunt Harpy that the PM will be calling for her so that she has to sit by the phone to wait, and *then* you could all leave.

I like the stick insect idea the best, although the stiffening powder isn't bad at all, and could be used in conjunction with the stick insect plan. People do flail about when bugs are involved.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Wilf said...

Thankyou, S and V. You are an evil genius.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Muah ha ha ha... doing my best.

S & V