Friday, July 06, 2007

A Badly Drawn Broad Bean

There are now five stick insects and two of them are sickly yellow in colour and bigger than the other black ones who have legs like feeble spiders. They are all 5cm in length. None of them do much - not when I observe them anyway. I have a sneaking suspicion that the moment my back is turned they turn on the disco lights and leap about to unsuitable music. Also, they do not eat. I keep putting in ivy leaves and bramble leaves but they just stare at the food and do not lift even one leg towards them. If I only start to get the tin opener out of the drawer, Serena my cat, savages my body. But not the sticks. I must take a photo so I have actual evidence of them eating.
Mum and Dad brought home a photo the other day. They went to the hospital to have it taken. It was black and white and looked like a badly drawn broad bean. They have put it in a frame and have informed me that it is a baby. Ugh. Then they gave me a copy for my bedroom. My bedroom is welcome to it, I say. If they are trying to get me to like it they are going about it in a funny way.

Mad Aunt Caroline has been phoning me for little 'chats' which is v v disturbing.
'You know your dear parents are unhappy that you are unhappy, Wilfred,' she says and her voice drips with Concern.
I stay quiet. I do not want to talk to her but I know The Parents are hiding behind the kitchen door, waiting. I wonder if the sticks are even now having a party and nibbling snacks.
'You must try and be kinder to them, Wilfred. Stress is not good for the baby, you know.'
I grunt a bit. I have to make some sort of noise. Stress is not good for the sticks either, I think. Maybe that is why they are spurning my leaves.
'Talk to me, Wilfred - tell me what troubles you,' she coos.
I must go and look after the sticks. It turns out that their legs drop off in times of stress. 'Can you tell me how babies are made?' I ask her. It is like a dam bursting.
'Of course! Darling! Just listen and I'll tell you everything...' and she is off.
And so am I.

11 comments:

Shameless said...

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Absolute Vanilla... (& Atyllah) said...

Wilf, are you absolutely sure you're up to hearing about how babies are made? Really?

As for disco dancing stick insects, yeah! way to go, Sticks! You might try them on olives, camenbert cheese, salami and cocktail sausages if they're spurning the leaves...

Richard said...

Oh Wilf,

Sounds like you're in a bind there. Try not to get too upset--your parents are only trying to be helpful, albeit in a very unhelpful way.

Ignore the broad bean and focus on the stick insects. Following on from Atyllah's suggestion, I usually find tapas helps in such situations.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Oh Buzz,

I'm so sorry to hear things are like this... on all accounts.

The sticks will eat something eventually... they aren't mating too, are they? Bugs are funny when it comes to things like that.

See what wikipedia says. Google and Wikipedia know everything.

Of course it's a badly drawn bean, human beans are at this stage. It'll be clearer as things progress.

Have The Parents come up with names yet?

best wishes, Wilf.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Wilf said...

AV, I KNOW how babies are made. The Parents made sure of that and right now I do not want to think too closely about it.
Hmmm, maybe I will try some party food for the sticks. I have lost one this morning - maybe all its legs have dropped off and it is just a mere stick now.

Wilf said...

Setting Aunt Caroline on me is not nice - she goes on and on and sort of batters you into understanding. I hope you have a good holiday, Richard.

Wilf said...

Thankyou, Wanderlust Scarlett. I can only hope they call it something just as stodgy as Wilfred, like Cedric or Arnold or Alan. I cannot even think about the bean being a girl.

Absolute Vanilla... (& Atyllah) said...

Perhaps what is left of the stick can be turned into a magic wand... Didn't Harry's wand have a phoenix feather in it - yours could have a stick insect it in - erm, or the remains of one, or some of it's legs...

suzan abrams said...

I do so love the idea of your stick insects, Wilf. :)

Wilf said...

LOL - Addy

The Parents are taking me to see OOTP this w/e. A stick insect wand would e quite something. I sort of think not alot would happen; a wan Neville might have maybe.

Wilf said...

Thanks, Suzan. The sticks are not really lovable but they are always there for a chat and they are not too bothered about babies. I think I can leanr a lot from them.